there's always the way you'd like to think you see yourself, the way you want people to see you, and the way you really see yourself.
these don't ever line up for anyone. you can pretend that they do, but you'd just be...pretending.
i'd like to think that I'm a caring, generous, selfless, cultured, loving, thoughtful, open-minded, smart person. maybe that's who I want to be...
i think some people see these things in me too. maybe that's what I want them to see...
some days, I do things that surprise me:
i pass judgment, i think i would have done something differently (better) than other people, i roll my eyes, i BS the crap out of people, i get annoyed or impatient, i forget to be thankful, i take things and people for granted, i talk about people behind their backs, etc. some people might call this "human," but if we justify these behaviors and don't strive to be better, what happens?
i know who we are changes as we age, as we learn, as we experience, as we meet new people, and as we realize the things we don't like about ourselves.
the confusion of being you...is that you're never really you. no one is original. this is what i conclude. we're all conglomerations of everything and everyone. maybe the various combinations of things that make us "us" are the ways we are unique. i don't know. this all makes sense in my head, but i always have problems articulating...
now for the motivation of this entry:
i did earth day stuff this weekend. watershed cleanup and free concert on the mall (los lobos, moe., and the flaming lips). i did these things because i wanted to be active in my community. here's where my dilemma lies...i went to the free concert because it's something i thought was something i would do...but really, i was tired. i could have just as easily stayed home. another dilemma, i didn't like moe. and didn't even really like the flaming lips. i stayed because...how could i tell my friends (who love the lips) that i didn't stay...even though it was free and in my own backyard. sometimes i do things because i think people think i should...so i do. but the other dilemma...is that sometimes i don't even know what i really like to do, or what kind of music i like to listen to etc. you know?
the last note i will leave on is this: today i thought to myself "geez, why does this person try so hard to be cool and have all these friends...??" and then i thought, "denise, why don't you try? why are you content on spending most of your time with your family and your boyfriend?" and then i realized "WOA, I ACTUALLY LIKE DOING THAT!!!" thank you, Jesus.
now seriously, i love my friends (alot!), and they know that. i like that i don't really have to try super hard to have these friends...we all kind of work together and it's great. but i think the reason i love them...is that we don't have to go out and do something every weekend...even when we're together, we don't have to do anything! phew...
i'm not old, i'm not cheap, i'm not lazy...i just don't feel the need to be doing something all the time...that's all
haha i don't think any of the makes sense...however, this exercise was well worth it, because somehow i feel as though i've vented and now i feel better. comical.
- possibly paranoid about swine flu...
- I finally hooked up my wireless internet, so tonig...
- lol aardvarks, really?
- it's earth day!! my boyfriend's back and...
- also, i think i'm funny. i forgot to add that.
- whoooo are you? oo oo, oo oo (let's get introspect...
- Friday Story Time
- signed, SEALed delivered, I'm yours.
- ▼ April (9)